Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Hillary Frey, Slate’s editor in chief, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
I am in the process of reconnecting with a past partner—the only man I’ve ever really loved. It’s been almost 20 years of being apart and speaking every few years. He’s 71 and retired, and I’m 59 and still working for another 10-plus years. We’ve both lived alone for a long time (in different states), and I’ve been very concerned about living together again. There were two deal-breaker issues for me. One: He had to quit smoking. I work in a hospital where we are not allowed to smoke, nor have our clothes smell of smoke. He did it! Then we got to issue number two.
I have been anti-gun my whole life. He bought his first guns in the past 10 years and lived in a state where he could be openly armed at his night shift job in a rough area. Last night, he mentioned bringing his guns (two of them). I told him that this was an absolute no, and he knew that. He got frustrated and mentioned something about it being his “right.” I told him it was me or the guns. He said he would store them until he could find his own place. I asked plainly, “So you’d rather live with your guns than with me?” and he wouldn’t answer.
I’m shattered. I get that this is something he likes, but he has known and supposedly loved me for years. This is not even remotely a new issue for me. If he changes his mind now, I’ve lost trust in him. Now I don’t want him living with me—guns or not. But I’m also trying to see his side. I’m asking him to give up something important to him. He hasn’t asked the same of me, but I don’t smoke, do drugs, or have any habits that are life-threatening in any way! Even if I’m right, I’m still saying to him that I would rather live without him than live with him and guns. Am I being just as selfish?
If you want to be with him, you should let him keep his guns in the house. You guys are older (me too!). You already got him to quit smoking. Tell him he needs to buy a safe, hide it away, and make sure everything is locked up. If he won’t do that, well, forget it. But if he’s safe with his guns and it’s legal for him to have them where you live, let him keep them. He is 71. This man is not changing any more than he already has.
If this is really a deal-breaker for you, you have to let him go. I’m not rendering a value judgement on guns over, say, a La-Z-Boy recliner that might clash with your decor. But I am being realistic about just how much people are set in their ways as mature adults. His guns are part of his identity at this point. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. If you don’t think you can love a man with guns, he’s not the man for you anyway.
I am married to a very smart, very calm man. We get along well, I’m a stay-at-home mom at the moment, and we have a lovely toddler. I, like a lot of moms, feel like a lot of my efforts are unseen, and it resulted in a fight the other night. It was nothing particularly toxic, but when he left for a meeting, he left his computer on. It didn’t take much to find a list that he’s been keeping for a year of every quarrel that he has had with me.